Recently, I have had several women come to me for help because they were struggling in their marriages. One woman was shocked when one day, out of the blue, her husband asked for a divorce and promptly moved out. She said she had no idea that her husband was so unhappy, and she was absolutely crushed. Another woman and her husband had had problems for years and she feared the worst—that they were headed for divorce. Her husband refused to come for counseling, so she came by herself to seek help on how to save the marriage. How do we help these ladies who are going through such devastating trials?
Women experiencing failing marriages need compassion, hope, and the truth of God’s Word. As we come alongside to help them navigate these rough waters, we must assure them that God is all-knowing, He cares, and has a purpose. Often, women want to fix the problems they are facing immediately, or they may want someone to listen and sympathize with them. As biblical counselors, we want to listen well, but we’re not going to stop there. We want to help our counselees choose to glorify God in their situation and to help them think biblically about what they are going through. Their marriages didn’t fall apart overnight, nor will they be restored overnight (if at all).
Building a Foundation
Many times, women who come for counseling don’t have the solid spiritual foundation they need to go through these hard circumstances. They may not have considered that the Scriptures tell us that we will suffer for Jesus’ sake and share in the fellowship of His sufferings (Phil. 1:29; 3:10). We want to help them understand that they can rejoice in the hope of the glory of God as they grow in the wisdom and knowledge of God; that God will use their circumstances to produce perseverance, character, and hope in their lives (Rom. 5:2-5). We want to help them see God’s grace and help them recognize the good God will bring out of what they are going through (Rom. 8:28-29). We would like to see these women draw nearer to God and have a deeper love and understanding of Him, rather giving up all hope and pulling away from Him.
Ways to Help These Counselees
- Help them understand who God is and His character: His faithfulness, goodness, mercy, love, grace, and sovereignty. Help them discover the magnificence of our God, the Creator and Sustainer of the universe (Deut. 32:1-4). This may seem like a strange place to start, but if they can get a better and bigger picture of who God is, this could keep them from becoming overwhelmed by their sorrows. Our all-powerful God stands ready to help, and He wants them to cry out to Him and to come to His throne of grace for help in times of need (Ps. 23:4; 34:18; Heb. 4:16).
- Assure them of God’s holiness and goodness and that no matter what they go through, God is worthy of their worship (Ps. 119:68). They may be tempted to blame God for allowing their marriage to fail. There is no evil in God nor does He tempt anyone to do evil (James 1:13). They may also believe that God is punishing them. They need to know that God is not allowing this as a punishment. Jesus took all of God’s wrath on their behalf (2 Cor. 5:21) and therefore they no longer need to fear punishment from God.
- Explain that their goal in life is to please God and honor Him in how they live each day and in how they respond to difficulties and hardships they encounter (2 Cor. 5:9). Help them discern what idols may be in their hearts (i.e., a loving husband, an ideal marriage, comfort, ease, reputation). Not all of these are sinful desires in and of themselves, but if they are ruling desires, they become idols they live for and bow down to.
- Help them understand God’s purpose for marriage and the role God has designed for them (Eph. 5:22-33). They will be in a better position to discern where they may have fallen short of God’s design and may have contributed to the problems in their marriage. They can begin fulfilling God’s role for them now, not to save the marriage, but to please and honor God. Help them seek God’s forgiveness and the forgiveness of their husband for ways they may have sinned against him.
- Help them understand that their responses to their circumstances must honor God. If a husband is sinful in his actions or words, they cannot rationalize or justify retaliation. They also don’t have to defend themselves. God is the Defender of the weak. They can choose to be loving and not return evil for evil (Rom. 12:17-21).
- Help them focus on the truth (Phil. 4:8). They may struggle with guilt and blame, constantly questioning whether they are responsible for the problems in their marriage. They may wrestle with what they should have done differently to make their husband love them and want to stay in the marriage. They do have to take responsibility for their share of the problems, but they aren’t responsible for the decisions their husband makes.
- Help them with their fears and uncertainties about the future—how will they ever survive the disgrace of divorce? How will they be able to support themselves (and their children)? Will they lose custody of the children or have to share custody? What will family, friends, and the children think? Will people blame them and side with their husband? They have to come to understand that God will give them the grace they need when they need it (Phil. 4:6-7; 4:13).
- Help them adjust to a whole new way of life. They will need help as they go through many new firsts: the first anniversary, birthdays, holidays, family vacations, etc. Help them focus on what they do have, by God’s grace, and not on what they no longer have. Encourage them to focus on loving and serving others rather than focusing on themselves (1 Thess. 5:16-18).
God Is in Control
These women will need to trust the Lord even when they are confused and hurt by what they are going through (Prov. 3:5-7). As we come alongside and weep with those who weep, we can assure them that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Ps. 34:18). God is refining their faith and teaching them to put their hope solely in Him. This is an opportunity to rejoice in the hope of the glory of God! We can encourage them to fix their hearts and minds on the eternal glory that God will one day bring out of their troubles (Rom. 5:2-5; 2 Cor. 1:9; 4:16-18).
Question for Reflection
As a biblical counselor, how have you been able to encourage your counselees to rejoice in the hope of the glory of God in the midst of their trials?