I primarily counsel women and I have seen common themes in what my counselees struggle with. Although women struggle with fear, worry, anger, depression, and suffering, many women struggle with a desire for control.
Where Did This Desire Come From?
The desire for control is as old as Genesis 3. In Genesis 2, God brought Adam and Eve together and, “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame” (Gen. 2:25). They experienced no shame, no fear of judgment, and no conflict, but rather unity and harmony.
Yet, in the very next verse we read of a serpent in paradise. The serpent came along and started asking Eve questions in an attempt to throw trouble into her world. The first question he asked was, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden?’” (Gen. 3:1). Satan raised the question of God’s exact words and therein, God’s motives. These questions were the beginning of Eve’s downfall, and this is how the enemy tempts us on a regular basis.
The serpent then introduced the first lie, which is what he also tells us: “You will surely not die” (Gen. 3:4). In other words, he says there are no consequences for disobedience.
His next words should put us all on high alert: “For God knows…” (Gen. 3:5). In those three words, Satan is discrediting God, accusing Him of withholding good from His children, and tempting us to question God’s goodness and character. Satan was telling Eve that God was short-changing her and that she wouldn’t truly be fulfilled until she’s just like God, knowing good and evil. She shouldn’t trust God to define good and evil for her; she needed to be able to do that for herself. Then she could be in control!
Why Do We Want Control?
Nothing has really changed. In our pride we still crave control today, and we’ve bought into the lie of the evil one that we can define good and evil for ourselves. In Genesis 3:16 God tells Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” The meaning of this verse is that Eve would desire to have control over her husband. Part of the curse of sin is the ongoing struggle women have to be in control.
We think being in control will make life so much better. We want to decide for ourselves what’s best for us. We want to define what’s good and what’s evil, and we want life to revolve around us and our desires. After all, look how hard our lives are with the people and circumstances we face—uncooperative spouses, children, in-laws, bosses, and co-workers; unsatisfying jobs, never-ending bills, health problems, and all that complicates our lives. These things rob us of the joy we believe we would have if we could call the shots.
What’s the Problem Here?
We’re deceived, not only by the enemy of our souls, but also by our own hearts (Jer. 17:9). We think that having control will give us the peace, safety, power, comfort, ease, or respect our hearts desire. We believe these things are best for us.
Yet we don’t know what’s best for us because we’re not the Creator. In His wisdom, sovereignty and love, God deems what is best for us in the relationships and circumstances He has permitted in our lives, even though some of these may be really difficult. And He has done this for a specific reason: to conform His children into the likeness of the Lord Jesus Christ as He prepares us for eternity with Him (Rom. 8:28-29).
Dying to the desire for control is not easy, nor is it a “one and done” decision. It’s a moment by moment decision to recognize that we are not God, we’re not in control, it wouldn’t be good for us to truly be in control, and we do not possess God’s infinite wisdom.
Trusting God can seem risky because He doesn’t always give us clues as to what’s ahead or reveal the reasons for why He has allowed difficulties in our lives. But unlike Eve, we need to believe and obey God, even when life is hard and relief is not in sight.
Helping My Counselees
To help my counselees, I explain that control is an illusion. We’re not in control nor will we ever be in control. The desire for control is folly. The only control we have is self-control, and even that is a fruit of the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23).
Second, I explain that trusting God for their circumstances and the relationships is crucial. God knows, God cares, and God has a plan. He was willing to enter into our world and to suffer what we suffer for the express purpose of becoming our merciful and sympathetic High Priest to whom we should go for help in times of need (Heb. 2:14-18; 4:16). His plan may not look like their plan, but they can be confident that His plan is best in order to bring Him glory and to fulfill His good purposes for them.
Next, living to please Him is to be the goal of their lives (2 Cor. 5:9). They have to develop eyes that see life from God’s perspective. Circumstances that are hard should be seen as opportunities from Him to demonstrate His character to a dark and dying world (Matt. 6:25-34). They can be confident He has provided everything they need to glorify and honor Him in whatever circumstances they find themselves (2 Pet. 1:3-4).
Finally, they should cultivate a focus on eternity:
Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal (2 Cor. 4:16-18).
Let’s live with a heart that’s fully committed to God’s glory and His Kingdom (not ours).
Questions for Reflection
Do you struggle with wanting control? In what areas has this struggle manifested itself in your life? Where does your thinking need to be transformed by God’s Word?
Bev Moore is on the counseling staff at Faith Church in Lafayette, IN. She is married to George and they have two grown sons. She recently co-authored In the Aftermath: Past the Pain of Childhood Sexual Abuse.
